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This is Lyfe.

This is Lyfe.

Back in 08 when Lyfe Jennings released the album “Lyfe Change”, it sent millions of men across the globe into cringe-inducing seizures.

I’m damn sure Lyfe’s mother named him “Lyfe” only so that one day, as a serious, responsible adult, he could talk about “Life Change”, but only spell it with a ‘Y’ (wait…Lyfe’s mother actually gave him the perfectly sensible ‘Chester’ as his first name…but Chester obviously wasn’t cringe worthy enough…)

Sean Connery Knows Bling.

Sean Connery Knows Bling.

This is kinda like the James Bond movie in which they named the Bond girl ‘Christmas’ only to let Connery say the awesome cringe-worthy one liner, “But I though Christmas comes only once an year….”

Get it? That’s hilarious, right?

Right?

But seriously, what propels decent, down to earth, hard working musicians (ahem, ahem…) to name their creations for the single sole purpose of making all their acquaintances grind their teeth in a spectacular cringe attack?

There’s Bono who named his kid after the awesome boning session he had in Memphis at 6 in the evening on a cold winter day sometime in the last decade (i.e., “Memphis Eve“). Then there’s Michael Jackson with his “Blanket“, but since he’s Michael Jackson, he’s forgiven all instances of out and out weirdness.

Then there are musician names themselves, and nobody is more guilty of this than rappers. You know the rappers Cunninlynguists? You don’t, I know.

Why?

Because that’s the biggest “Get it? See? See? Ha ha ha..eer..its funny, right?” name we could think of.

Reminds me of another Bond movie joke…the ever flirtatious Ms. MoneyPenny (that receptionist/secretary who never really seems to do any actual work, and has another atrocious name) tells Bond, “Oh, you were always a cunning linguist“.

How cringe-worthy is that?

Seriously, this is like the only picture we can ever find of him.

Seriously, this is like the only picture we can ever find of him.

Then there’s Eminem. Not exactly super cringe worthy, but when you’re named after a sweet, chocolate filled candy, you’re much better off writing songs for Disney.

I can count off by the dozens: Rhymefest, which sounds more like a hippie poetry reading festival than a rapper name; Messy Marv, which is probably something his mother called him as a baby when he pooped all over the diaper; Timbaland, which sounds like a redneck community of lumberjacks…

Then there’s, of course, “Lyfe” Jennings and his compatriot, Usher.

Seriously…when will you learn?

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